Let me try to put my many feelings down here to sort them out, and to do that, I’m going to make an analogy.
Publishing a blog has been a dream come true. Then to have hundreds of people daily appreciate my writing has been beyond my wildest dreams.
It felt like the best attention imaginable. Like I’m with the man of my dreams, and I whisper in his ear that I’d like him to spank me. He rewards my risk-taking by gently but firmly putting me across his lap and baring my expectant bottom. As he does this, to be able to deal with the fireworks going off in my brain, I share that the more sensual the spanking is, the more I’ll respond to it. It can still be sound, thorough, stinging, demanding (in other words HARD), but should be erotic, too.
And he excels in this. He compliments my bottom, caresses it, starts slow with moderate spanks and lets it build. It is everything I want in a spanking. He takes me to that pinnacle; I’m on the brink of climax solely from his stern attention paid to my backside. But he wants more. He takes off his belt, doubles it in his hand, and starts leathering where he just spanked. The belt lashes are just right, stinging and loud, but warming. The belt whipping drives me crazy. I have to rub my engorged, excited pudendum into his thigh as he straps me. And I experience what I’ve referred to here in the past, I have an assgasm. The orgasm is centered intensely throughout my lower half, in my sex, in my clitoris, in my buttocks, in my rosebud, in my mind; fireworks exploding in all these regions, transporting me. Finally, he takes me in an embrace and lets me cry, pets my hair and rubs my bum as he tells me that I’m a good girl, his best girl. His aftercare makes me glow, makes me whole. I’m proud to be a spanko.
That’s what blogging has been for me. Until yesterday. Yesterday I was told that I’ve been bad. Exactly how I’d misbehaved is not made clear. But the lesson that the rule-makers want to instill in me is like the attached video, abrupt, harsh, punishing. It’s meant to make me feel small, to rub it in that I’ve been naughty. I’m left feeling ragged after the belt does its damage to my derriere. That’s how I felt after two different emails balling me out and telling me (unspecifically) to clean up my act.
Ironically, what offended WordPress most was the video I shared to discuss pornography versus erotica, the prurient versus the artistic. But, chastised and wanting to return to their good graces. I deleted SO MANY wonderful, arousing, intriguing stills and videos. I’d amassed them in a file in order to share with you because they immediately inspired me. I looked forward to creating the tales that these images suggested. As I was doing this chore that demoralized my soul, my area experienced a power black-out for hours where we also lost Internet connectivity. I wondered if I’d been blocked, had my site dismantled…
This morning I got another email from WordPress saying that I’m now in compliance with their (vague) guidelines. But this experience really hurt my heart. I choose to me a submissive in a relationship with someone I respect. I was Topped by WordPress. By the way they’ve treated me, I don’t respect them, so this felt violating. That’s how I feel now; the wind has been taken out of my sails. I feel a little empty.
Thank you to all the readers/followers who expressed their support of me through this! I feel buoyed by your good thoughts and well wishes. I will continue to blog. I hope to get my mojo back. My postings will be less spicy hot than they were, and we fetishists love that Tabasco sauce of sex. Boyfriend Bob has suggested that he take me away for a trip to replenish and renew; we’ll see if that can be arranged, and I’ll keep you posted.